I guess I could start off with saying that this is not the first, second, or third time I have attempted to create a “blog” as we call it. There have been many times in my 24 years of living that I have searched the internet for “Free Blog”, “Free Journal”, “Free Diary”. When I was younger, it was more aimed at the purpose to find a safe place to keep my secrets, secret. I never wanted the lurking eyes of my mom and more importantly my older sister to find the harsh words I scribbled onto old pieces of my notebook paper.
They were always keeping watch, always tracking my every move. You would think growing up in such a strict enviorment would keep me sheltered from the chaos of the outside world, or at least keep me away from pressing situations. I think that was a goal my mom had set in her mind when I was just a little girl, but to her horror and more apparent denial, she would never be able accept the fact that the tighter the grip she had on me, the harder I fought to find my way out of it.
But back to what matters… I have had many types of journals since I was young. Even at 8 years old, the most important thing to me was my own space, my privacy. I even went as far as to get some shitty Toys R Us Diary that was voice automated, and would not open unless I spoke a secret password. Sometimes I wish technology was as simple as it was in the late 90’s, early 00’s.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, my mind is always going 1000 miles per hour. Writing out how I felt on paper became unbearable, I had too many memories to formulate into one carefully crafted sentence (or what I like to call now “emotional baggage”). There was absolutely no way I could actively keep on with my day to day blasphemy, without losing my train of thought or getting a wrist cramp from fucking hell.
So, after many “Journals” and endless pieces of paper scratched by my pens and thrown into the garbage, I realized there had to be a easier way to get all this shit of out my head.
I hope you take the words I write lightly, for they are just a screenshot of what really goes on inside my mind. Crazy, but quietly.
This is where I begin.