Today was better than a few days ago. I’ve come to the conclusion that because I am so hyper sensitive, I have to physically work myself into exhaustion to feel okay. I just got home from a (slightly sketch) walk down state with my best friend and already this feels like the one part of my day that I feel at ease.
Sometimes I wish I could smoke weed like everyone in this town and not have panic attacks. I feel like finding a guaranteed way to make yourself feel good would be nice.
Music helps tho. Lately I’ve been listening to Brian Eno’s “Thursday Afternoon” and I can’t explain how good it makes me feel. I’m currently sitting naked against my cold bedroom wall, hearing his sound flow into my headphones. It’s a very tranquil feeling, which I rarely come to know.
I keep telling myself I need to learn to be patient with everyone. I am in such a rush all the time. Maybe thats why its difficult to connect with people, energy wise. I just find I have so much to give, so much to offer. But my thoughts and feelings become misplaced and broken up, like trying to put together a antique china plate after it has fallen onto a tile floor. Even though it’s doable, its also tedious, difficult. Just like me.
Maybe I need to toughen up, not break so easily. But maybe I also need to surround myself with people who aren’t afraid of getting cuts and scrapes while putting things back together.
Is that too much to ask for?