I keep going back and fourth between decideing what I deserve in life.

Tell me why for the first time in years, I think I’ve actually been lucky enough to be around someone that sticks around through my bullshit? Ha, you would think that for something I want so badly, I wouldn’t treat it so recklessly.

And yet here I am. Sitting alone in my apartment, finding myself feeling dumb and the ever present feeling of rejection lingering in the corners of my mind.

When did I become like this? When did I allow so much of my shitty past to take control over my present emotions? I know its not fair to anyone. I know I am allowed to feel, but when does it subside? All I seem to do is self sabotage the true things that make me happy, and I hate it. I get so dissapointed with letting people down, but at the same time I feel like I am unable to make anyone truly happy.

When all I want to do is be happy. All I want is to make other people feel good and truly witness some sort of miracle that I know exists. I never used to be so cynical, and I’m tired of throwing my own black out pity party. It’s not cute. It’s not me.

I can only hope the good side of who I am is noticed,

and that I don’t scare positivity away.